Friday, May 27, 2011

Beginner's guide to being a beauty guru

Welcome grasshopper. I see you've taken on the daunting challenge of wanting to be a beauty guru? Frankly, I think I suck at it, but at least I can tell you what I know WORKS. That's what you're here for, right? Right. Read on:

1. Create a trademark opening for alllll your videos. It has to be the same thing and you must always say it FIRST. Mine is 'Hey Everyone' and I wiggle my fingers. Yes, I feel like an idiot when I do this IN EVERY SINGLE VIDEO, but I've skipped it occasionally AND the crowd always has an uprising. "What's wrong Nur, why didn't you wiggle your fingers and say "Hey Everyone"? What's going on? Did you and your boyfriend break up? Did you have a bad hair day? Is the world coming to an end?" -_- Consistency is key; pick something and stick to it.

2. Swear up and down that you'll never do sponsored videos THEN change your tune and swear you'll always tell the truth no matter how many thousands of dollars they're paying you. Honesty is priceless? NO, honesty costs the company $1,000 a video! And when you put affiliate links in your description box, you don't have to say it's an affiliate link. Dissect the FTC guidleines and find ALL the loopholes. Your scheming of everyone depends on it!

3. End all your statements with an upward inflection. Otherwise, no one will believe you when you say for the 1,835th "It's the most amazing product I've ever tried!" Of course, say this about every product, but just make sure you fake the enthusiasm adequately. Everything is "Soooo good" and "Soooo cute" and "Soooo pretty". EVERYTHING.

4. Don't admit that you're flawed. If ANYTHING looks bad: lipstick, blush, spidery lashes, blemished or yellow, orange, blue, purple skin....just remember the most important reply you'll learn: It's the lighting. Type it out a thousand times, chant it in your sleep, tattoo it into your side. You're perfect and IT'S THE DAMN LIGHTING THAT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE THAT.


5. Don't let the lemmings defy you. If anyone has an opinion that differs from yours, delete the comment, block them and then send them a message so you can have the last word. You're a guru damn it and NO ONE defies you. "THIS IS YOUTUBE". Say it like Leonidas says "THIS IS SPARTA" in 300 and then kick someone smaller than you into the pool.


6. Find something to sell! Like jewelry.....EVERYONE IS DOING IT. Pimp it out for a company, make it yourself, or make something really popular then offer it to your subscribers (have you guys seen my crown rings?! OMGEEE I finally found them and I'm making them available to you guysss! They're soooo preeety and soooo cute and soooo good! :::squeal:::)

7. Reply to your viewers' comments on your videos. Not all of them, just one comment that you want everyone to see! Anything that says you're pretty is perfect! That comment then stays at the top for everyone to see AND gives the illusion that you actually care. Aww.

8. Disappear for a really, really long time then come back and apologize profusely for being so busy with school, work, family, attaining world peace etc. Say you'll never do it again. Then....do it again. Absence makes the heart grow fonder! And it makes you seem soooooooooo important. #you'recoollikethat

9. Speaking of Twitter, always, always, always tell people to follow you and make it seem like they're missing something monumental by NOT following you ie. "Last week I solved E=mc², but you would know if you followed me on Twitterrrrr! Like all my tweople. Tweeps! Tweet me! Tweeeeeeeeet!" Then tweet an endless barrage of pictures of food so people will wonder how you eat like a pig but look like a bean pole and they will just HAVE TO KNOW how you do it. Oh wait.... what a great idea for a video, OMGLEMMEGOWRITETHATDOWNRIGHTNOW!

10. Ask your viewers to subscribe, comment and like every. single. video. Add annotations to remind them (sometimes they forget you know). A good annotation: "Haha, cute puppy, PRESS LIKE OR YOUR COMPUTER WILL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST" Always say it's not at all about the subscribers, but then do giveaways when you hit the big numbers and always say things like "Omg, I remember when I had like 2 subscribers and it was my mom and my dog and I never thought SOOO many people would care about what I have to say. So here's to my 50 subs! Eeek!" Also, ask really weird questions at the end of your video so people will reply with a comment. "So guys, tell me in the comments when the last time you picked your nose was! Yeah, can't wait to read your responses....I just LOVE to read your responses....I even hired a response reader to read them to me while my OTHER assistants massage my feet."

Oh yeah, write a small dissertation in your description box detailing every single thing discussed with all of them linked. If this doesn't take at least 3 hours, you're doing it wrong. Make sure the words that show without expanding the box are: READ ME or CLICK FOR MORE INFO or YOUR MOM WAS HERE.

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Just remember, you are a goddess! You are always right, always perfect and always worshiped! Just whip your beautiful volumous hair around and fake your confidence!.....What do you mean volumous isn't a word? Oh. it's voluminous? But I'm a beauty guru and I can make things up and no one will ever know because I'm deleting your comment and blocking you because THIS IS YOUTUBE AND THE LIGHTING MADE THAT WORD UP, NOT ME.

***Suffice it to say, this is all in good fun. I have a twisted sense of humor and for those of you who have watched me for a long time, you know I'm poking fun at myself here. Yes, someone's going to get mad because not everyone thinks everything I say is funny. But whatever. I'll just delete your comment. Just kidding....kind of. Hehe, I'm NOT insecure damn it.

And P.S.- The comment up there wasn't actually a reply to anyone. I just used a little cut and paste in good ole' Paint (circa 1991) with an actual comment someone left. #bored

See you guys soon! *wink* *finger wave*